


For A Good Time

by Vixen_Argentum



Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M, Misunderstandings, Opposite Sex Gigai Woes, Phone Sex, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Sexual Harassment
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-10-12
Packaged: 2018-02-10 10:59:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2022633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vixen_Argentum/pseuds/Vixen_Argentum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Akon snuck into Mayuri's office and reprogrammed Mayuri's emergency cell phone to disguise his voice.  As a practical joke, he gets Rin to write the number on the wall of an izakaya's restroom.</p>
<p>After a series of events, Urahara gets his hands on the number rumored to be for a woman with an irresistibly beautiful voice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. For A Good Time

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a tumblr post calling for a "Number written on a toilet stall AU" and this idiotic idea came waltzing into my brain.
> 
> I hope you have as much fun reading as I do writing.

 "You got the number?" Rin screeched.  "How?"

Akon raised one very satisfied lack of an eyebrow.  He twirled a set of self-hacking keys around a finger, those of his own secret design.  Rin's eyes grew wide.

"It was just like any other cell phone.  You go into the menu and it tells you its number."  Akon smirked.  "I've got some ideas for what to do with it, but I don't want anything that can be traced back to me."

"Why did you even want it in the first place?" Rin asked.  "Depending on what you do with it...well you know how his temper gets..."

Akon pulled a cigarette out from the pocket of his labcoat and lit up.  He inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly, ending in a grin.  "He likes to think he would, but he'd never kill me.  At least not outright or on purpose, mind you."  Akon brushed his thumb against the filter of the cigarette, an ember falling to the ground.  "It's not his way to waste what he deems useful, and I don't fear pain."

Rin gulped.  Sometimes Akon was just as scary as the man he was the successor of, even if his PR was a bit better. 

"Now here it is," Akon grumbled and handed the piece of paper to Rin.  Paper to burn to get rid of the evidence  "At the worst he gets drunk dialed, and at the best...he gets laid.  Now, _that_ would be funny.  He certainly needs it."

"What!?"  Rin didn't exactly follow.

"You're going to the other world on technology detail, right?"  Akon puffed again on his cigarette.  "Well, there's an izakaya not too far away from where you'll be working.  I'll send you the address."

"Okay, but then what?"

"Go into the men's room...and write it somewhere on the wall."

Rin blushed, but then started laughing.  "Oh, now I see.  Sure!" 

Deep down, Rin was rather glad that this was a pretty innocent prank.  At least it might keep Mayuri busy for a little while.

"Oh, and I installed a chip in the phone."  Akon continued.  "Any voices picked up by the receiver will be translated into a voice of the opposite sex."

"So now if he talks on the phone, he'll sound like a girl?"

Akon looked very pleased with himself.  "Yup!"

"But won't he find that out?" worried Rin.

"That phone is only for emergencies between the captains; it's faster than the butterflies, an doesn't involve kidou skills.  Do you honestly think anybody among the captains would question why he sounded that way?  They let him soak in his own eccentricity."

"Point taken.  It might be a while, then."

Akon had burned all the way through his cigarette.  He stubbed it out on his ashtray and let the butt collect with the other 50 odd burnt up cigarette corpses that were already there.

"I'll keep you posted if I hear of anything funny up here.  Anyway, I gotta get back to work. Thanks, Rin."

"Sure thing."  Rin shoved the paper with the number on it deep into his labcoat.  He would leave for Karakura town that night.

Rin was being sent to give and deploy better hollow sensing equipment for the resident shinigami to use.  But on his way there, he stopped by the coordinates Akon provided.

The izakaya was rather cramped, but it wasn't a completely uncomfortable place.  The atmosphere was smoky and sharp-suited businessmen drank happily with one another, waitresses bringing plate after plate of appetizers to share.  The old man behind the bar looked at Rin.

"Welcome kid.  You don't look old enough for a round of sake, but is there anything I can get you?"  He dripped over the counter, at one with his environment.

"I'll buy something if I have to, but I'd really like to get to the restroom," stammered Rin.  He was in a gigai, so he could be seen, but it still startled him.

"Don't worry about it," said the man.  "It's around the back.  Don't be a stranger, come back when you're thirsty."

Rin bowed quickly.  "Yes, sir."

He pushed past the rickety wooden door with the painting of a man gulping sake, into a small bathroom with two stalls and a urinal.  It was rundown and well used, but in spite of it all, it was very clean.  Rin went into the stall that was up against the wall and sat on the rather fancy toilet, closing the door behind him. 

What he saw surprised him.  The wall was already covered in names and numbers, some scratched out, erased or painted over.  He eyed a large patch that had just been painted over recently to cover a pipe repair.  He needed a little hook before the number.

_Ask for Mayuri?_

No, that was a little too direct.

Just write the number?

No, then there wouldn't be as many people looking at it.

At last he had it!  Rin took the permanent marker out of his pocket and bit off the cap.  The smell of the ink filled his nose as he wrote.

_For a good time call...XX-XXXX-XXXX ext. 12_

xXx

Mayuri was in the middle of taking his makeup off at the end of a very hard, rough day.  As much as he talked until he was blue in the face, he couldn't convince the other captains for a funding contribution for revamping the security systems within the Seireitei.  They told him that the enemies were outside rather than inside, but Mayuri knew that outside people didn't get inside information by using outsiders.  While his concerns had been noted, he was as good as hosed off, put on the back burner until everyone else's lives had gone to shit and then they came crawling back to him for answers.

He wouldn't say that he didn't expect it.  He wouldn't say that he didn't understand it either.  But he would always remain somewhat unpopular for things that he hadn't even done.  Things that he hadn't done, while some real monsters walked free and loved, adored even.  They were savage beasts wrapped in gold-plated skin and knew so, too.  But even still, Mayuri preferred fear over love.  It wasn't fair, but Mayuri still had plenty of power.  Even if power wasn't exactly what he had asked for.

The phone began to ring in the other room.

"Nemu, answer the phone."  He continued his scrubbing.

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

Mayuri sat back in the tub, his long, wet hair plastered to his chest, breaking over his collarbones.  He sighed and closed his eyes.

"Hello, this is Kurotsuchi Nemu.  What can I do for you?"

Nemu paused, presumably listening to what the speaker had to say.

"Well, yes, of course there is someone else who uses this number.  But Mayuri-sama can't come to the phone right now."

Mayuri opened one eye like a cat.  Everybody who had that number knew exactly who it belonged to.

"It's okay, Nemu.  Bring it here."

Nemu looked at him, surprised, through the doorway.

"I said bring it here!" he growled.  Was that truly so hard?  Did he need to check her hearing sensors?

Nemu bowed her head and gracefully walked in to hand him the phone.  The ID read Unknown Number.  Mayuri took it from her outstretched hand, and put the phone up to his left ear grate.

"Hello.  Who is this?"  Mayuri asked sharply.

"Oh, now that's more like it!  That's what I wanted to hear.  You can call me...Naoki," dripped the voice on the other end of the line.

He didn't know any Naokis.  He'd check the call's source later to see who had an underling steal their phone for prank calls.

"Fine 'Naoki', but there will be repercussions for what you have just done, you know," Mayuri stated.

"I hope so.  Do you like bad boys?  I bet you do..."

"I'm not sure what you're getting at," Mayuri huffed.  "But if I find out who you are..."

"I hope you do so that I can get some punishment!  So babe, what are you wearing?  What color is your underwear?"

"My underwear?  What on earth?"  Mayuri was now extremely annoyed.  "Well, if you really want to know, I'm in the bath and I'm not wearing any, so I can't help you there."

"Oh, so you're naked, you naughty thing!  I like that!"

Mayuri rolled his eyes.  "Now, if you just hand the phone to your captain right now, you'll get off lightly."

"But what if I don't want to 'get off' lightly?  I like taking my time with jewels like you."

A jewel?  What was wrong with this man?  Had he taken too many servings of sake or too many rocks to the skull?

"So tell me, what do you look like?" breathed the voice heavily.

"I realize that I wear a lot of makeup, but do you really not know?"  Mayuri frowned.  He didn't go around in his natural state, but most people at least knew what he was supposed to look like, even if they'd never seen him themselves.  He wasn't hiding anything, after all.  His makeup was expression.

"Are you touching yourself yet?"

"Well, my hand is resting on my knee."  Mayuri raised his hand and looked at his now pruned fingertips.

"You are such a joker.  Now tell me, are you touching yourself?  How hard?  Can you stick a finger inside?  Tell me how everything feels.  Let me hear that beautiful voice.  I want you to say my name."

There were a million things that Mayuri could have said right then.  The actual purpose of this man's phone call was starting to coalesce in his mind, now that he had strung all of the beads together...and Mayuri was not pleased.  Not in the slightest.

"No."

Mayuri turned off the phone with a beep and handed it back to Nemu.  She looked at him, questions in her eyes.  He submerged his head and then resurfaced again.  It was like he had to wash the filth off of him.

But right now, it was night time.  He would look into the call in the morning.  Getting up, he accepted a towel from Nemu and dried off.  He swiftly changed into his night clothes, and got into bed.

Suddenly his phone began to ring...

xXx

Urahara walked back from his meeting with the resident shinigami, bringing the goods he had ordered.  Surprisingly Rin had been there, too.  Usually Rin was the one who the 12th sent into this world whenever something needed to be done, but occasionally he'd see Akon or Hiyosu.  It had been a while since he'd seen Mayuri, not since he helped him get into Hueco Mundo.  Mayuri avoided coming to this world at all costs.  It was too bad, really.

It was dark out and he could see the lively lighting of an izakaya down the road.  The store opened late the next day, so he didn't see the harm in stopping by for a couple of drinks.

The bell on the door clanged as it shut behind him.

"Urahara-san!  What can I get you today?  We received a very fine shouchuu in our last shipment," said the old man behind the bar.

"Oh, not today," said Urahara.  "A glass of plum wine is fine for me."

He took the glass and sat down on one of the seats at the bar.  It was Saturday night.  Behind him was a gaggle of drunk salarymen, their once pristine suits now unbuttoned and helterskelter.  They took turns passing around a cell phone and drunkenly making obnoxious comments into it and laughing.

Urahara sipped at his wine and watched.  He leaned towards the men.

"Pardon me, but what are you all doing?"

"Mind your own business Hat-and-Clogs," said one sour-faced man with a snarl.

"Oh, shut up Naoki.  All he has to do is read the men's room wall," said another with a long, thin build.  "Look, we got this number for this babe with an incredibly sexy voice, and we all just wanna talk to her, okay?"

Urahara smiled.  "I can understand the draw of a beautiful woman's voice."

"Her name is Mayu or something, or so she told Naoki, but we can't get her to say much of anything anymore.  But hey, there's no shame in trying.  She must have been a real whore to get her number out there like that."

The men went back to their animalistic behavior and Urahara downed his drink.  The least he could do for this poor woman was apologize to her for everything that everyone had done.  Chivalry wasn't dead, instead it was personified by a few.

With that, he walked back into the restroom, where he saw the large black lettering.  He'd call her from home, away from these monkeys.

 


	2. Dude Sounds Like a Lady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Urahara apologizes to Mayuri over the phone and becomes smitten with the voice. Mayuri has second thoughts. Akon has a close call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the crack.
> 
> It's only going to get even more cracktastic.
> 
> Help.

Mayuri woke up long after the sun rose.  It was late, he was late, but that was a perk of being a captain--it honestly didn't matter.  He groggily looked at Nemu, who sat poised in the chair beside his bed, sitting with her back straight like a statue.  In her hand was the phone, and thank the gods it was not ringing. 

As the night had gone on, the calls had become fewer and far between.  Mayuri would have taken the battery out of the phone, except for the fact that doing so sent an alert to all of the other captains to warn for sabotage.  So, Nemu had simply answered and hung up until the pranksters either went to sleep, sobered up, or passed out drunk, Mayuri didn't care which.  It's not like she was doing anything important, anyhow.  Sleep for Nemu was optional for a few weeks at least.

But, all of his problems could be fixed if the communications department could put up a block for his phone.  While, ideally if he could restrict calls to the other 12 captains, that would be the best situation, but it might not be the wisest one.

Throwing the door open, he walked into the room filled with busy attendants monitoring screens, sorting through papers.

The manager of the communications department was Tsubokura Rin, but Akon was the one sitting in his desk that was piled high with candy wrappers.

"I take it that Rin is out on duty," he said as he approached Akon's back.  "I have a communications emergency and I need it fixed now!"

Akon swiveled his chair around, a "borrowed" lollipop in his mouth, staining the inner surface of his lips a deep navy.  He pulled it out with a pop and licked his lips with a very blue tongue.

"Yeah, Rin's in the human world this week so I'm running this post as well as my own.  What can I do for you?" Akon asked.

Mayuri handed him his phone.  "I keep getting unwanted calls on this phone and they must stop."

Akon looked at him sideways.  "What kinds of calls?"

"It doesn't matter what kinds of calls, just fix it."

Akon sighed gravely.  "I must know so that I know if we are dealing with a security breach and need to fix other networks.  I'm not trying to pry into your personal life.  Quite the opposite."

Mayuri stared uncomfortably into Akon's deadpanned eyes.  As much as Akon now wanted to start licking the lollipop in his hand, he really didn't want to trigger Mayuri's temper, as fun as that could be.

"Fine."  Mayuri crossed his arms over his chest.  "While I was in my evening bath, I began to receive calls from people who were obviously inebriated or under the influence of drugs."

Akon pulled a file down on the computer screen and squinted at the list of numbers that it contained.  "Hmm.  It seems you did get a lot of calls.  All of these numbers seem to be for telephones in the human world.  Usually you'd need a transdimensional communicator to make a call like that, but this phone is very special."

"As it should be," Mayuri huffed.

"It looks like you were called by 6 different numbers in the human world between 10 PM and 3 AM, multiple times for each number," said Akon.  "Was there any reason why they called?"

"I don't know!"

"Well, what did they say to you?"

"If I had to put a name to that filth, I would say that they were trying to engage me, via multiple means mind you, and coerce me into committing sexual acts over the telephone."

Akon scratched  his head.  "Director, let me get this right.  Last night you received 78 calls from people requesting that you have phone sex with them?"

"Yes!"  Mayuri flung his hands out in desperation.  "And they were _deviants_ , all of them.  Whenever I'd put Nemu on, who has a voice that I created to be specifically sexually attractive, especially to men, they'd go back to requesting me!"

Akon typed a few things into the display and pushed a few buttons on the phone, changing its settings, handing it back to Mayuri.  "Here.  I blocked all of those numbers.  If you need to restrict things further, come back and see me.  I wouldn't go as far as changing your number, yet.  But, we'll do all that we can for you."

"Thank you."  Mayuri shoved the phone in a pocket.  "Hopefully, tonight I will sleep in peace."  He turned on a heel.  "Nemu, let's go."

Akon watched them go, only to burst into laughter once the door was closed.  Catching his breath, he lit up a cigarette and went back through the call files, pulling them out one by one.  He put on a pair of headphones.  Listening to these recordings was going to be _highly_ entertaining.

xXx

Urahara brought in the last of the merchandise that was outdoors.  Tessai was in the kitchen readying dinner and both Jinta and Ururu were in helping him.  Yoruichi was out for a while on a mission; he never asked how long she'd be gone, and he doubted she'd be able to tell him anyways.

Even though today was a brand new day, he still couldn't stop thinking about everything that happened last night.  It'd been a while since he had seen so many people acting like complete assholes.  Like they were entitled to somebody's mind, somebody's body, just because someone else had been there before.

He had gone in with thick white paint and painted over the number in the bathroom stall.  It had taken a few coats, but eventually the stark black was overpowered.  Drying paint over a phone number in a men's bathroom stall was not something he had ever imagined that he would do with his kidou skills, but the world was a strange and fascinating place.

Yes, he would admit, he had as perverted a mind as any man would admit to having, but there were some things that you simply did not do.  If your partner says no, you stop.  If a lover sends you nudes, you don't post them on the internet when you break up.  All that girl had probably done was leave her boyfriend for his "best friend" or something like that.  Maybe it was her fault, maybe it wasn't, but honestly, it didn't matter now.

Urahara ate his dinner, not saying much as he pondered the situation.  Jinta teased Ururu and grabbed seconds before her.  Urahara smiled at them but he was not present.  The food he chewed had little taste, as he was lost in wonder.  Just what did this woman's voice sound like, that drove strangers to foolishness?  This was Japan after all; people were private in their desires.

When Urahara got ready to call, he locked the door to his room and tacked up a roughly hewn "do not disturb" sign.  He built up the pillows on his bed and settled into them, making himself comfortable.  He checked the clock; it wasn't too late, just a bit after seven.  Finally, he took out the phone that had been burning a hole in his pocket since yesterday.

He punched in the number and paused.  Was this really okay?  Yes, Urahara was painfully curious, and he wanted to at least tell whoever this person was that he'd rectified everything wrong.  But still, Urahara wasn't sure.  He took a deep breath and pressed the send button.

It was now ringing.  With each pulse of noise he could feel his heartbeat come harder and harder in his chest.  One ring, two rings, three rings, four...

Someone picked up.

"Hello?"  Said Urahara.

A disconnected signal now howled into Urahara's ears.  He shook his head.  Did somebody just hang up on him?

He put the number on redial.  Someone picked up again.

"Excuse me, but are you..."

The beeping again filled his ears.  Somebody had picked up though, right?

Urahara took a deep breath and called again.  If this didn't work, he'd give it a rest.

xXx

"What on earth are you doing!?"  Mayuri growled.  He snatched the phone out of Nemu's hands and put it up to the side of his head.  Unfortunately the caller on the other end had already hung up.

Nemu looked up at him, eyes flat.  "You told me to hang up on anyone who was not a captain."

"That was last night, you dullard!"  Mayuri looked over the number that had been calling, which unhelpfully said _Private Line_.  "Ugh.  Sometimes I wonder why I even bother with you..."

"My greatest apologies, Mayuri-sama."

With a sigh, Mayuri went back into the menu and tried to get the phone to call the most recent caller.

A busy signal.  Was this mystery caller trying to call back again and he was missing it?

He placed the phone on an end table and stared at it, willing it to ring.  Finally, the faceplate of the phone flashed with blue lights before beginning to ring.  Mayuri deftly grabbed it and hit the button to pick up the call.

xXx

"Hello?"  Urahara asked, half expecting another disconnect.  He had decided that the last call would be his last try, but after getting a busy signal, he had to try again.

"Hello?"  Another voice echoed after him.

Now, Urahara understood. 

The voice on the other end of the line was full and sultry.  It had a timbre that was sweet and warm like honey, with a husky undertone, a bit like a purring cat.  Just hearing it made his hair stand on end.  He wanted to hear it speak more, to speak the unspeakable words that he wanted to hear right now.  He wondered what it sounded like screaming and moaning...

Yes, he understood exactly why people had been calling her all night.  If he wasn't such a gentleman, and wasn't so sober, he might do the exact same thing.  But Urahara was stronger than that.  If he wanted to hear this voice again, he'd have to take a different approach.

"Hello?  Is anybody there?" The voice asked again.  "Honestly, what is wrong with people--"

"Hello?"  Urahara snapped out of his spacing out.  "I just wanted to talk to you.  May I ask who is speaking?"

"You don't know who this is?"  The scornful twinge that colored the voice was like something out of his wildest femdom fantasies.  Oh holy...wow...this was something...

"No," answered Urahara.  He laughed playfully.  "But, if you'd tell me, your name gets mine."

A heavy, impatient sounding sigh answered him.  "I don't have time for games.  It doesn't matter anyway.  State your business."

Urahara played with the brim of his hat as he talked.  "I'm sorry, but I witnessed some people harassing you last night on the phone."

"Yes.  I suppose you want to do it too?"  The voice dripped with condescension. 

"Quite the opposite.  I was calling to tell you that someone had written your number on the wall of a bar that I frequent, but I made sure that the number was removed.  You are safe now."

"My number?  That's impossible.  I haven't given it to anyone outside of work."

"Well, perhaps the number that they wrote down is wrong, and yours was put up instead?" Urahara offered.  "Just one number different can really cause problems."

"Perhaps."  The voice on the other end of the line paused.  "You said that you've removed my number from wherever it was?"

"Why yes, of course, my lady."  Urahara fidgeted in his sheets.  "I wouldn't want a pretty girl like you to be harassed so awfully by men who don't deserve you."

Urahara had to pull his ear away from the receiver at the sheer volume of the laughter on the other end of the line.

"You must be deaf.  I am no woman."

No woman?  Urahara frowned.  Maybe it was a metaphorical thing?  No matter.  This was a first conversation after all.

"Right, right."  Urahara yawned.

"Do you have anything else constructive to say?"

Urahara jolted his body straight.  "Eh?  Umm, well, I wanted to at least tell you that you have nothing to worry about."

"Ah yes.  You have my gratitude for that, but I am a very busy person.  I'd rather not be bothered anymore.  Good night."

"But, wait can I--"

The voice on the other side of the line was gone.  Urahara went to press the redial, but stopped.  He couldn't get enough of that voice, but if he kept calling her, he'd be no different from those other guys.  He'd just have to try again tomorrow.

And, now that he had the number, he could use it to try and find out some more information about the owner...  He had his work cut out for him tomorrow.

xXx

Mayuri had a wonderfully easy night.  Not a single peep out of the phone since his last caller, but still, he couldn't find himself in the mood for sleep.  He wandered into the laboratory and sat down in front of one of the computer monitors.

He typed a few keystrokes and brought up one of the gigai voice projects.  There it was, all of the information on the statistics behind the shinigami voice.  It was a combination of the size of the larynx and the stiffness of the cartilage that led to voice types.  It was important to match the vocal anatomy of a gigai to its shinigami, otherwise missions would be rife with communication mishaps.

Mayuri pulled out the data on his own voice.  Sure his voice fell outside the generic baritone range that covered the majority of male voices, but it was not like he was up in the countertenor range that could be easily mistaken for a gruff sounding woman.  Mayuri would never be a very big person, nor did he wish to be, so a deep booming voice would just be bizarre anyhow.  He quite liked the tessitura of his voice, if he was being honest.  It was unique, distinctive, colorful.

He stared at the graphs and the 3-D model of his voicebox that was used to create gigais for himself.  Try as he might, he didn't understand what could possibly make his voice be mistaken for female.  That accusation had _really_ thrown him off guard.

"Uh, Director?"

Akon stood in the doorway, sipping a cup of coffee.  He shoved what looked like a data drive into his pocket as quickly as he could.

"Hello Akon.  Burning the midnight oil, are you?"  Mayuri was curious as to what Akon had on the drive.

"If you need to use the laboratory, I won't disturb you."  Akon turned on a heel and began to walk out the door.

"Nonsense.  I could use the company.  Or are you too busy now?"

Akon screwed his eyes shut tight.  He wasn't getting out of this one.

"No, I didn't have much planned anyhow."  Akon turned back around and tried very hard not to let his reluctance show through.

"It's okay if you did," said Mayuri, goading Akon.  "I don't mind."

_Bullshit!_   Akon scratched his head."What I possibly have to do that's more important than work?"  He answered.

Ah, Akon knew this game.  It was the passive-aggressive game.  Everybody in the 12th who had been there a few years knew how to play.  Threats of bodily harm or experimentation were only reserved for certain kinds of offenses and certain kinds of people.  If you lived long enough in the 12th to become an asset to the division, you entered a shaky, yet fully reciprocal protective bond with Mayuri.  Of course, there were still circumstances which could lead to your demise...but still, avoiding those situations was common sense.

Akon sat down at the table adjacent to Mayuri.

"Akon, have you ever had trouble with building the voice box of a gigai?"

"Nah, the 3-D scans we get from everyone tends to give the right anatomy."  Akon gulped down his coffee.  "The hardest part is getting the tension of the tissues correct, but even if it's a little off, most people don't notice that something is wrong." 

"I see."  Mayuri scrolled further down in his file, but didn't find anything of interest.

"If anything, it's a problem in the hearing receptors reacting to a voice, not a problem with the voice itself," Akon continued.

Mayuri's eyes flashed.  That had to be it.  It wasn't _him_ , it was the other person's phone, giving the wrong frequencies!

"Yes, I thought so too."  Mayuri studied Akon's expression for anything else hidden.  He couldn't find anything.  "It's difficult to confuse a male voice with a female one, don't you think?"

Akon jumped.  A female voice for a male one?  It was getting a little close for comfort all of the sudden.

"I'm sure nobody could confuse your voice with that of a woman," he said, as reassuringly as possible.  "Well," he stopped and thought.  "Actually, the way you speak has a rather musical feeling to it.  Female voices are usually more lyrical since children learn to speak faster from women with more exaggerated pitch patterns.  You know, evolution and all that."

"I don't recall ever saying that I was worried about my voice, Akon."  Mayuri raised an eyebrow.

_Oh shit!_   Akon squinted to see the data on Mayuri's screen.  "Right.  I just thought, since you had your own voice data up and...sorry, my mistake."

Mayuri laughed.  "Oh, don't worry.  I just like to see you sweat."  He got up.  "I'm done now anyway."

"Oh, well if there was anything you needed me to do..." Akon offered.

Mayuri still wondered about the drive that he thought he saw Akon shove in his pockets.  "What did you come here to do?"

"Just finish up a few reports.  Nothing much."

"On what?"

Akon was really unhappy with this development.  "Rin sent some new data back from the human world.  That's all.  Nothing interesting."

"Is that what was on the drive?"  Asked Mayuri.

"What drive?"  Akon smiled.  He pulled the pockets of his lab coat inside out, carefully hiding the memory stick from view at the same time.  He could feel the sweat drip down his temple.

"Oh," said Mayuri, still eyeing Akon, not quite believing, but he let it go.  "It's getting late, isn't it."

"You had a rough night last night.  I'm glad to see that blocking those callers worked out for the best."

"Yes."  Mayuri yawned.  He walked towards the exit.  "Good night, Akon."

When the door clicked behind Mayuri, Akon let out a sigh of relief.  After all, that drive had all of the recorded phone conversations from last night.  Like hell he was giving any of that up.  Quality entertainment was harder to come by these days, and Akon wasn't the best person to give idle time.

xXx

It was mid afternoon on a Monday.  Business was usual, but as usual, that wasn't too much.  Urahara brought up the web browser and typed the phone number into it.  The browser searched, bringing up several reverse look up phone directories.  Nothing seemed to fit into the digits given.  The most he was able to find was some person complaining about getting a call from that number, but nobody being on the line.  That couldn't be right.

He studied the area code.  He knew that cell phones weren't always tied to a person's current residence, but sometimes it could give a clue.  It seemed to be for somebody in Karakura town or the surrounding area, but there was just something weird about the numbers.

"Tessai-san!"  Urahara called out.

"Yes?"  A head poked up from between some boxes.

"You wouldn't happen to know anything about this telephone number, would you?"  Urahara nodded his head towards the computer.

Tessai sauntered over and squinted at the screen, but a look of recognition quickly flashed over his eyes.  "Yes, this number is a recently created one."

"You don't say..."  Urahara muttered.

"Yes, just recently in the Seireitei, a block of numbers was released to be used for phones that will be used by shinigami who require a transdimensional communicator in their phone for work.  Resident shinigami workers and the like."  Tessai rubbed his moustache.  "I know that we'll be getting some new stock in that uses these numbers."

"Interesting."  Urahara mused.  "I wonder what the number for one was doing on the restroom wall of the izakaya down the road."

"Now that's odd."  Tessai cocked his head.  "I'm not sure.  As far as I know, people aren't supposed to have these numbers yet, even though the space has been freed for them."

They both stared at the number for a while, pondering its secrets.

Tessai continued thoughtfully.  "You know, that number has an extension on the end.  12.  Might be for 12th squad.  It would make sense if they got it early since they do the technological developments after all."

Urahara fidgeted with his sleeve.  That did make some sense.  He still had plenty of communications open with the 12th division, but he didn't know _everything_ that happened over there.  It'd been a while since he'd gone over to visit, too.  And the last time he visited, Mayuri had scheduled himself out with fieldwork, so he hadn't gotten to have the leisurely scientific conversations that he had wanted to have about a few things.

Tessai went back to work moving boxes of things from the back storage rooms to the front.

So this woman had something to do with the 12th division, huh?  This mystery voice grew more and more intriguing.  The voice, it was so sexy, and probably did science too...  Was she a member or was she part of a trial or something?  Oh, he just had to find out!

Maybe he could ask Akon for more information about this number on the downlow, since he knew that Rin was still in the human world.  Urahara picked up his phone and made a very familiar call.


	3. Cat and Mouse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Urahara tips off Akon. Mayuri has the most stimulating conversation he's had in a long time. Nemu takes Mayuri with her to the real world...but is he really going to be incognito given the situation unfolding?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taro Yamada (male) and Hanako Yamada (female) are the Japanese equivalents for the English names John Doe and Jane Roe, like to describe an unnameable person.

"Hello?"  Akon held onto the receiver for the phone at his desk.

"Akon-san!  Long time, no see!  This is Urahara!"

Yes, he already knew this was Urahara, as Urahara was the only person who ever called him in the middle of the day for _no real reason at all._   Urahara always kept up a pretense of friendliness, but Akon never could shake the suspicion that there was something else that the man wanted from it.  Urahara was too nosy, too clever, and Akon could tell when he was fishing for something new and interesting.  That was the point of manipulation.  Akon knew after all, because he did it too.

"Is there something you need?" said Akon as he typed into his computer at the same time.  "I'm sure we're both quite busy."

"Aha!  Well, I was just wondering a few things.  I know the academy graduation was not long ago...did you guys happen to recruit any pretty girls from this crop of fresh talent?"

Akon frowned.  This was pretty typical so far.  "We did get some new people.  I don't remember how many of 'em were girls, but I try not to mix my business with my pleasure."

"Aww.  Yes, you always were the cautious type."

"Any particular reason?"  Akon grunted.

"No, no.  Just my mind running away with me.  I could use a little office romance myself, but I work with all the wrong people," Urahara complained with a sigh.

Akon yawned.  "Is that it?"

"Oh, there was this one phone number I came across the other day.  Tessai told me it was from a block of numbers that had been released from the Seireitei.  I was curious as to who it belonged to, since I can't look it up from here.  It's not in a public directory."  Urahara's voice remained as cheerful as ever.  "Would you mind doing it for me?"

"So you want me to snoop for you?"  Akon said.

"That's such an ugly word, Akon-san," Urahara whined.  "I only want a name."

"Yeah, yeah."  Akon grinned.  "Once I give you the name, you'll do your own footwork from there."

"You're so mean."

"Hey, I never said I wouldn't tell you."  Akon sat back in his chair.  "So, what's the number?"

Akon typed the digits as Urahara spoke them.  The computer idled as it searched.  A text box appeared on the screen telling him that it was a restricted number.  No...that couldn't be...

"The search isn't showing me anything.  Are you sure that's the right number?"

Akon entered in his security clearance as assistant director to the SRDI.  Yes, yes it was...

"I figured since it had an extension 12 that maybe it was somebody in your division..." Urahara mused.

_Kurotsuchi Mayuri._   It was on the list of the captain's numbers.  Oh, holy shit.

Akon thought about the earlier conversation about new girls in the 12th division.  Now things were starting to make a little more sense.  How deliciously ironic!  Of all of the people whose hands that number could have fallen into, it just had to be Urahara.  Though if he had told Rin to write the number down in an izakaya bathroom...he wasn't sure he wanted to know if it was often that Urahara called women advertized on men's room walls, or if this was just for the sake of serendipity.  Ewww.

"Well, I'm sorry I can't be of any help.  Have you called the number yet?" Asked Akon. 

"Oh, no," said Urahara.  "Do you go around calling numbers of people you don't know?"

_Liar!  Liar liar liar._   Akon knew it.  "I dunno.  Maybe if I thought it belonged to a pretty girl, I just might dial it."

"How bold, Akon-san!"  Urahara's voice grew even more furtive.  "After all, what would Hisagi-san say if he found out?  Is there trouble in paradise?"

A vein bulged in Akon's forehead.  He and the vice-captain of the 9th squad had an...arrangement with each other, and there was only one way Urahara could know about that.  Fucking pervert.  Urahara just wanted to saber rattle, to make a show of what he did know, even though he begged Akon for what he didn't.

"I think he'd ask her to join us," Akon said sweetly. 

"Wouldn't she be lucky!"

Akon scrunched up his nose and then relaxed it.  "Okay, okay.  I'll look into that number for you.  Since it's new, maybe all of the information hasn't been put in the database.  I can ask the Director about it if you like.  It might be in one of his secret projects."

"Oh, no.  Mayuri-san doesn't need to be bothered by something as trivial as this.  But do tell him that the invitation for tea still stands.  And that the Body Worlds 6 exhibit has come to Tokyo and I have an extra ticket available for any time he wants to go.  He needs a vacation, and Ururu misses Nemu, too.  She followed Nemu around like she was her older sister when she last came, it was _adorable_."

Akon chewed on an already short fingernail.  He knew that Urahara had always been fond of Mayuri, much to the man's dismay...but when they had all lived together more than a century ago, he had been naught but a child.  He didn't fully comprehend their "friendship", but it's not like Mayuri wore his heart on his sleeve like Urahara did.  But he would say that for all that Mayuri complained about Urahara, he seemed to calm down immensely in his presence.  Not that Mayuri was ever completely defanged, but some of the instability inside of him settled when Urahara was there to support him in his ventures.

"Yeah, I'll tell him, but don't blame me if the answer's the same as always."

"Wonderful.  Thank you Akon-san.  I appreciate your help in this matter.  I hope you call back with good news!  Bye now!"

Akon relaxed as he slammed the phone back down on the hook.  He had bought himself some more time, but Urahara would be back, he knew it.  Things could go from ironic to hilarious or from out of control to a train wreck.  He'd have to go through Mayuri's phone logs to keep on top of things, as the players in the game were headstrong and crafty.  But still, as far as fun diversions that he created went, this one had gone much further than he expected, and he couldn't wait to see what happened next.

xXx

Mayuri shut the doors to his room.  He had made some headway in his current experiments, which was good.  Better than the alternative, anyway.  Nemu had stayed behind to help everyone clean up, so he'd be alone for a little while longer.  It was strange.  As much as Mayuri got annoyed with other people, being alone sometimes was just so...boring.  Even his mind emptied sometimes and needed something else to fill it.

He reached into his pocket to where the phone was.  As much as sexual harassment wasn't his cup of tea, getting phone calls was something new.  Occasionally he got correspondences with the other captains, but usually they delegated the task of talking to him to somebody else, like a lieutenant.  Usually people 'dealt' with Mayuri rather than taking the time to truly interact with him.  It was fine by him for the most part.  It was their loss.

The last person that had called him, though.  His voice was strangely familiar, but he just couldn't place it.  No, he felt like he should know it.  But he wasn't going to be the one who asked for the name, oh no.  Not when that person clearly knew who he was and was holding it over his head!  He had to be lying when he said that he didn't know who Mayuri was; people didn't just call for no reason at all.  The caller id had said Private Line, but maybe he could look it up somehow.

Mayuri hooked his phone up to the computer in his room and started searching the data banks for something useful.  Eventually he was able to untangle a number.  This person was probably calling from a real world number, so Mayuri tapped the internet for sources rather than anything in Soul Society.  At last, a number and a name came up.  It was a cell phone, so no address came up, but there was a single name.

Yamada Taro.  All in romanji, no kanji to individuate the syllables.

Mayuri squinted at the name.  Was this a joke?  That was a placeholder name!  The name they put on fake credit cards.  That was the equivalent of searching for John Smith in an English speaking country.  It was like searching for a Mr. Patel in India!  There had to be something else.

At least now that he had the number, even if the name was a dud, if he got to the living world he could track it.  He had developed a machine that could locate cell phones by their numbers in order to keep tabs on shinigami who went into the real world and got sucked a little too far into it.  Now he needed to somehow get to the real world for a while...

Oh right!  He remembered something about Nemu saying that the Shinigami Women's Association was heading to the real world for a shopping trip this weekend.  He didn't have much time to prepare, but he could make it!  He had an opposite sex gigai that he could dress up in Nemu's clothing for a little while, but he hadn't gotten done with the finishing touches yet.  Yes...that meant that a bunch of shinigami with high level reiatsu going into that world wouldn't stick out.  And, it gave him an alias!  Perfect!

His jubilation was cut short as the phone rang.  Mayuri jumped.  He picked up the phone immediately.

"Hello," said the voice on the other end of the line, the same voice he'd been pondering since he last hung up.

"Hello yourself," sneered Mayuri.  "It says this number belongs to a certain Yamada Taro, is that true?"

"Ah, I see you looked me up."  The voice on the other end of the line laughed merrily.  "But I'll only be Yamada Taro if you'll be my lovely Hanako."

Mayuri frowned.  This was on purpose!  It wasn't his real name at all!  Who in the real world would do this?  (Well, actually he could see the merit.)  It was something only a paranoid shut-in would do.   But then he called him Hanako?  That was a girl's name!

"I've already told you once, I am no woman!  Your phone is obviously malfunctioning," Mayuri snarled.

"My goodness, that always gets you so upset!  I apologize.  Perhaps I've been insensitive."  The voice on the other end of the phone paused.  "I support people no matter what gender they identify with.  Gender is between the ears, not between the legs."

Mayuri squinted in confusion.  Yes, he agreed with the statement, but that meant something completely different!  That didn't describe him at all!

"No, you idiot!  I have a fully functional  X and Y chromosome and everything that biologically comes with it."

"Everything?"  The voice teased.

"Yes," said Mayuri.  "There's no need to be crass."

"Do you have a camera?"  The words were playful.

"What are you getting at?"  Mayuri did not like this.

"Pics or it's not true."

Mayuri slammed his hand down on the table beside him.  "I am not photographing _any_ part of my body to prove to you anything about myself."

"Awww.  I can send you some of me?  They're all worksafe.  Unless you don't want them to be..."

"No!  That's the last thing that I want!" Mayuri growled.  "I'm done talking to you."

He hung up and slammed the phone down on the table.  He stood up, pacing around the room.  If this constant harassment was something that women seemed to face all of the time, maybe there was some sort of anti-harassment application for a cell phone that he could invent and then sell.  If he was ever in dire straits, he could get some sort of exception made for him by the communications department.  But for someone else, somewhere outside the 12th, maybe it would fill a need.  He'd have to bounce some ideas off of Akon later.

The phone on the table beeped loudly.  A text?

Mayuri opened the phone and read it.  "Sorry.  Can I try again?" it read.

Sorry...  He stared at it for a while.  There was no flurry of messages, no further calls to get his attention.  Just a simple apology.  Dare he say that it was somewhat refreshing?  Then, surprising even him, he hit the reply button.  The phone rang, and the other end of the line picked up

"Ah, you've called me back!"  He said.  "I was afraid that I had lost you.  I can go a little too far in play, even when I'm trying to be gentle.  It's a bad habit.  Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"Hmm."  Mayuri drummed his fingers on the table.  "I'll say it's forgiven, but it's certainly not forgotten."

"You're a very cautious one.  I like that."  The quality of the voice was tinny as he laughed.  "I suppose we don't know much about each other.  But let's do it this way.  You don't have to tell me about yourself.  Let me guess."

"Sure, that's fair."  Mayuri sat back.  He didn't have to be entirely truthful if he didn't want to be.

"Based on your number, if I had to guess, you don't live in Karakura town."

"You are correct.  Am I correct in assuming that you do?"  Mayuri pried.

"Yes, I most definitely live in Karakura town.  I live where I work, with a few friends!"  His tone was bright and open.

Mayuri had to wonder why he was adding extra information.

"I'll keep going then...though forgive me if it gets weird."  The voice became smoother.  "Actually, if I'm being bold, I'd say you don't even live in my world.  You're not even human."

Mayuri grinned.  This cat and mouse feeling was awakening something in him.  "If I'm not human, O mysterious one, then what would I be?"

"You're a shinigami, and you work for the Gotei 13."

Mayuri knew it.  "Well, then, I think that means that you're not a human either."

"Oho!  I try my best."  The voice was hesitant.  "Let me guess your squad.  With the extension on the number, you're part of the 12th.  This phone must be some sort of secret trial project."

"Are you _sure_ you don't know who I am?" said Mayuri.  It seems that this person might be telling the truth to him, but something still didn't sit quite right.  And right now, he knew nothing about the caller.  "You better not be wasting my time."

"Nah, this is all off the top of my head."  The voice was light.  "I bet you're an amazing scientist.  I can tell."

"How?"  Mayuri was skeptical.

"I happen to be a scientist of sorts myself, don't you see?"

"Of sorts?  Are you or aren't you?  There is no in between," said Mayuri pointedly.

From there, Mayuri argued with him over theories and experiments, throwing in little catches to see if he'd bite.  This man hit back at everything he asked, going even deeper in some subjects, and opening up new paths.  He was well educated to say the least, and Mayuri wondered what he'd be like in a more realistic problem solving situation.  He grilled him for new information, ravenous like a wolf, savoring the taste of new blood in his mouth. 

He both liked this, and didn't like it at all.  He had no control over this, the conversations, the topics, the flow of knowledge.  He didn't know this person, and this person didn't know him either, so he held no authority, no power.  But still, he couldn't make himself shut up and hang up the phone.  He kept walking deeper and deeper down the corridors of this other man's mind, looking for an end, an exit, some kind of out.  However, nothing more but depth was to be found.

The time went from 10 PM to 2 AM.  He didn't notice Nemu slip through into the room, and he nearly jumped out of his skin when she lightly tapped his shoulder.

"Mayuri-sama, it is 2 AM.  Is there something I can do to help make you ready for the night?"

Angrily he waved her away, but then it dawned on him.

He had just had a conversation with this stranger, without once wondering whether or not his time was being wasted.  He was talking to someone who was knowledgeable in the sciences, who was an inventor, and who could keep up with his thoughts.  He had even gotten some new ideas as his mind naturally fused the new information this stranger fed him with his own experiences.  Dare he say, he was actually a little excited?

Nemu tried again, reaching for him with a gentle hand.  "Mayuri-sama?"

Mayuri cleared his throat.  "Oh, it seems I've lost track of time."

"Time flies when you're having fun."

"Hmmm.  I suppose, " Mayuri wondered. 

Mayuri was still letting the strange feeling settle in his stomach.  It had been a long time since he'd simply sat and talked to somebody.  Akon was probably the closest thing he had to a friend, but even Akon had a certain singularity to him that just preferred to get shit done rather than to pontificate.  He was incredibly smart, which is why Mayuri kept him around, but his style of thinking was much less abstract in character, more earthy.  He brought something more grounding to the table in a brainstorm, while Mayuri swooped down on it from above.

This was different; this was very different.

"I guess I should be going, too.  After all, I can't keep up my sexy, sexy appearance without any beauty sleep!"  The man laughed.  "After all, I understand the itch to go and create something, but you should rest up, too."

Mayuri sat in silence, now letting himself process everything even more.

"Good bye now!"  The voice on the phone was chipper as it signed off, not waiting for Mayuri's answer.

Mayuri didn't move.  Maybe it was more true to say that he couldn't.

"Are you all right, Mayuri-sama?"  Nemu hunched into his field of view, meekly vying for his attention.

"Yes, Nemu, I am fine."  He broke his stare off into space and put the phone down.

He had to learn more about this person.  While this man knew the broad generals of Mayuri's life, Mayuri knew nothing about his.  If this person was the genuine artifact, which he seemed to be in conversation, Mayuri couldn't believe that he didn't know this person at all.  Something was very very weird, and it made him uneasy.  While he liked the puzzle, the uncertainty of it all was maddening.

That's it.  He was certainly going to the real world.

"Nemu," he called.

"Yes?"  She answered.

"When is that shopping trip that you told me about?"  Mayuri thumbed through a calendar trying to see if he had it somewhere.

"It's tomorrow," she said.  "Is that a problem?  If you need me to stay, I'll send a message to--"

"Please get the reiatsu harmonizing gigai ready for me," Mayuri interrupted.  "I plan to go with you."

Nemu looked slightly surprised, but there was no way in hell she was going to question anything. 

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

xXx

In the morning, Mayuri sprung awake, even though he hadn't slept well.  Nemu stood beside him already dressed and ready, now in a casual sundress style that he rarely saw her wear.  Such things were horribly impractical to wear in the lab.

Next to her was his gigai.  This gigai was first and foremost a secret.  Mayuri had ways to infiltrate any situation, and this one was no different.  Nemu existed for most situations that called for a female body, but Nemu couldn't do everything that Mayuri was capable of.  Sometimes he had to take matters into his own hands.

Mayuri fit himself into the gigai.  In this form, he was a little shorter than Nemu.  He stared at himself in the mirror as his daughter-cum-lieutenant approached him with several different clothing ensembles in her arms.  His hair was long and royal blue, cascading down to almost his waist.  The frame of the body was delicate, what his would have been like had the testosterone in his body been muted long ago; but he was still somewhat wiry in build, his legs weren't full enough to touch at the top.  This gigai had a rather generous bust line, but it was not nearly as impressive as Nemu--he'd rather not have to deal with the backaches for the sake of vanity.

He grabbed the black tank top from Nemu and put it on, fastening the adjustable built in bra.  Carefully, he zipped up the dark jean miniskirt that fit his hips like a glove.  From there, he stepped into the black long shanked leather boots that gave him a little more height in the heel at least.

"You look good, Mayuri-sama," said Nemu softly.

"If I must masquerade as a female, I'm not going to do it as an ugly one."

Mayuri coughed at the sound of his own voice.  He thought he had the voice modulator installed in this one?  What he heard was his voice all right, but that wouldn't sound normal coming from any girl.

"I thought the voice transfer system on this gigai was done..."  Mayuri eyed Nemu suspiciously.

"Akon-san said he'd have the missing piece by this morning, he'll be here any..."

There was a knock on the door, but the visitor didn't wait to open it afterwards.

Akon stood in the doorway with his arms crossed.  He smirked at Mayuri.  "Damn.  Who's the hottie, Nemu?"

"This is my cousin--"

"Hush, Nemu, he knows it's me."  Mayuri said dryly.  "The cod is trying to be funny."

Akon burst out laughing at the sound of the unmoderated voice coming out of Mayuri's gigai.  "Here, we gotta fix that."

He pulled out a syringe with a microchip in it.  "This is gonna hurt..."

"Just do it already."

Akon stabbed the chip into the neck of Mayuri's gigai.  The chip stung as it made connections with the relevant structures in the gigai.  Mayuri grimaced as the burning sensation intensified and then finally died away.

"Try it now," said Akon.

"How do I sound?"  said Mayuri.

Akon's eyes went wide.  This new voice smoldered.  Though he had listened to the phone conversations that Mayuri had been in (and they had been hilarious), the recorder didn't transpose the sex of his voice.  If this was what the transposer did to Mayuri's voice, the specific pitches and timbre of it...he couldn't have asked for anything better.

"You'll have to beat 'em off with a stick," said Akon, reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.  "Hell, I didn't know it was you, I'd hit it."

"What was that, Akon?'  Mayuri said as he fussed with his hair.

"Oh, nothing."

Mayuri grabbed the cigarette from his hand, finally noticing it as Akon held it up to his lighter.  "Akon, how many times do I have to tell you?  You may not smoke in my room or in my office!  You get ashes everywhere!"

Akon chuckled.  "Sorry, Director.  Old habit, you know."

Mayuri grumbled.  "It's fine.  Akon, get out of here.  And if you tell anybody about this I will personally see to it that you are--"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it."  Akon waved his arm.  "Rat under penalty of excruciating, yet scientific torture, without any sight of the sweet release of death.  I'll bring you the tools myself."  He sauntered back out into the hallway, door slamming shut behind him.

Mayuri searched through the bag of cosmetics that Nemu had brought out.  Sure, it was weird going out without a more elaborate design on his face, but he wasn't going to wear nothing.  A dark wine lipstick, smoky grey eyeliner around his golden eyes on top of a metallic eyeshadow, a pale pressed powder for his fair skin.

"Okay Nemu, let's go."

"Yes, Mayuri-sama."

Mayuri cringed.  "You can't call me that while I'm like this.  How about you call me...hmmm, what's an easy to remember girl's name?"

"Mayuri is kind of like Sayuri, would that work?" Nemu offered.

"Excellent Nemu!  You're on the ball today!"  Mayuri thrust out his chest.   "I am Kurotsuchi Sayuri, your visiting cousin, here to join the Women's Shinigami Association on its semiannual living world shopping trip!"

"Yes, of course!"  Nemu absolutely glowed with the praise.

Mayuri filed out behind Nemu, ready to go out the meeting place and join the rest of the Shinigami Women's Association.  This wasn't a bad idea, but somehow Mayuri couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't a good one either...


	4. Working Blue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mayuri visits the real world, the Shinigami Womens Association learns something new about the Kurotsuchi line, and Urahara meets an intriguing lady with a gigai full of lies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for this chapter. It just went places that were...just wrong, but before I could do anything it was written and I was laughing my ass off.
> 
> Working blue. Yup, that's a good name for it.

Urahara finished sweeping the floor of the shop.  He knew that today was supposed to be the day that the Women's Shinigami Association was coming to Karakura town for a shopping spree; Yoruichi had called him to let him know since she couldn't be there in person to handle it.  Truthfully, he liked having visitors.  More people around meant that there were more people to fawn over him, after all.

He looked at the clock.  It was 10 AM, so they should be coming soon.  Granted, he rarely found anything dealing with the 10th squad vice captain to be on time, but shopping was one of those things that Matsumoto Rangiku made an exception for in his experience.  Finally, the doors to a senkaimon appeared in his yard and several women stepped out of it, each one dressed to the nines.

He sauntered outside.  "Hello ladies, why don't you come in for some tea?"  He tugged his hat further over his eyes.

"Urahara-san!"  Rangiku waved at him. 

The vice-president, Ise Nanao, then stood between them.  "I'm sorry Urahara-san, but we've got a lot to do in a short amount of time.  We'll stop off when we're done for a bit of a rest."

He saw Nemu depart from the gate and he walked towards the morose looking woman.  He thought he had seen somebody walking with her, someone he didn't recognize, but she was alone now.  Huh.  That was odd.

"Nemu-chan!  So good to see you!  When are you going to bring Mayuri-san to see me?"

Nemu blushed.  "Ummm...well.  He's very busy these days."

"Do you think he'd mind if I came to pay him a visit?  I've got a couple of project ideas that neither Tessai-san or Yoruichi-san will give me the time of day about.  It'd be right up his alley..."

Nemu cast her eyes down.  "I'm afraid I can't speak for him."

"Yes, I know.  I don't mean to hound you about it, love.  Just know I'll be in touch."

Nemu bowed lightly and caught up to the rest of the group.

Urahara watched as the gaggle of women walked away.  It looked like every single member had come today, from the boisterous Yachiru to the demure Unohana.  He looked forward to seeing them when they came back.  But wait...

He saw it again. 

A woman he didn't recognize was clinging to Nemu's arm.  He couldn't see her face, only her long jewel-toned hair.  Where had she been?  Who was she?  Urahara was intensely curious.  He'd have to check up on her later in the day.

xXx

"Wow, Nemu!  It's great to meet a new friend!"  Rukia said to Nemu as they walked down the street of shops.

Mayuri looked around at the estrogen fest that surrounded him now.  He had needed an easy cover to get into the real world, and this one was as good as any.  He pulled a compact out of his purse that was actually a tracker.  If he put in that phone number, he'd be able to track the location of the owner and follow it until his curiosity was sated.

"So you said that she's your cousin?"  Hinamori continued.

"Yes.  She won't be staying here long," said Nemu.

"Oh, that's okay.  I just didn't realize that Kurotsuchi-taichou had any siblings."

"He doesn't."  Nemu said flatly.

"Wait, then now does that work..."  Hinamori wrinkled her forehead as she thought.  Mayuri gripped Nemu's arm tighter as a warning.

"Shh!  It's not nice to pry."  Nanao smiled.  "Sorry about that.  We don't know too much about Kurotsuchi-taichou, let alone his family, so it only figures that we would be ignorant."

Mayuri shook his head.  "Don't worry about it."  The less he engaged these people in conversation the less he'd have to make up and remember.  It was easier on Nemu, too.  Though it would be entertaining to fill their heads with blatant lies about the Kurotsuchi family.

"I can see the family resemblance.  The two of you have the same eyes,"  Rangiku said.  She was a bit too close to his face for comfort, but Mayuri held still.  "And can I ask a personal question?"

"Sure."

"Is that your real hair color?"  Rangiku got excited.

Mayuri ran his fingers through the long strands.  "This?  Yes, of course!  Why wouldn't it be?"

Rangiku's eyes went wide and she blushed.  "So that means that you're blue...down there, too?"

Mayuri was a bit shell-shocked by the question.  "Umm...yes, why?'

All of the girls started shrieking.  "Oh my goodness, I can't believe she asked you that!"

"I can't believe she answered!"

"Mayuri-sama has blue hair, too," said Nemu proudly. 

Mayuri's stomach felt as if it had dropped to his toes.  _Nemu, that is not the proper way to continue a conversation!_

"So you mean that blue is his actual hair?  Not something else that he...invented?"  Rukia looked thoughtful as she asked.

"Of course," stated Nemu.

"Huh.  I didn't think there was much natural about him left."  Mayuri cringed as Rangiku threw an arm around him, pulling him into her bust.  "So it looks like the family resemblance is strong with Sayuri-chan, isn't it?" 

"Ugh, Matsumoto!  Now I just have a factoid that I did _not_ want to have about Kurotsuchi-taichou in my brain!  Why did you have to ask that question?"  Nanao whined and pushed her glasses further up her nose.  "Now I feel all pervy!"

"What?  I thought it was only a natural thing that someone would want to know!"  Rangiku intoned.  "I mean, I match.  Well, I guess it's actually a little bit darker...but still, it's shades of blonde."

"Both of you, hush," said Soifon harshly.  " _You're_ not the one who has to see him tomorrow morning at the crack of dawn.  If I start thinking about this in the middle of the meeting...that's just so _wrong_!  And think of poor Nemu and Sayuri, how awkward that this is even a topic of conversation!"

"Now girls," said Unohana.  "Settle down.  We don't want to burn out of our energy too fast today.  There's a lot of stores to hit!"

Mayuri had to laugh.  This was actually quite fun so far.  Maybe he would try to go to some meetings as 'Sayuri'.  The people here were so free with their words.  He wouldn't go so far as to say that he was any kind of a gossip, but this body certainly made the collection of certain kinds of information very easy.  After all, these women gushed secrets about their captain and vice-captain companions and he could steer them from topic to topic offhandedly...it could be useful one day.

"Hey!  Let's go in here!"  Rangiku looked at a store that was bedecked in sale signs and grabbed Nanao by the arm.

"Yay!  I want some candy!"  Yachiru pointed at a convenience store on the corner.  She grabbed Nemu's hand.  "Come on, Temporary Vice President and Blue-pubes, I'm hungry!"

Before anybody could react to the hyperactive child's new nickname for 'Sayuri', the little girl had already pulled the both of them into the shop.

xXx

Mayuri stretched out his feet.  They'd been out for six hours so far, including a long and luxurious lunch break, but he wasn't used to spending this much time on his feet.  He certainly wasn't used to spending any time in high heeled shoes either.  The balls of his feet were aching.  He should have worn different shoes, something flat...

He looked outside of the dressing room.  He didn't see anybody around, so it looked like his chance.  He typed the number for his mystery caller into the fake mirror compact and waited for the signal to connect.  The machine stalled for a bit, searching, then beeped.  A red dot appeared on the little map of Karakura town.  There, that must be the location of the caller.

Mayuri hid among the racks of clothes as he snuck towards the store entrance.

"Nemu!  Have you seen Sayuri-chan?"  Isane asked.  The Amazonian woman tried to look dainty, but she had about the subtlety of a great dane.

Mayuri froze, flattening against the wall.  He hadn't expected anybody to be coming through the side door.

"She's trying on clothes," said Nemu.

"Oh good, I found this dress and I thought it would look perfect on her...the gold threading would look stunning with her eyes!  She's pretty petite, so I thought maybe this size would work..."

"Don't worry, I'll take it to her."  Nemu took the dress and headed back over to the dressing rooms.

That was close.  Mayuri slipped out the side door while everyone busied themselves at the store.  He took a deep breath of the fresh air.  This wouldn't take too long.  It wasn't that far away.  And he had briefed Nemu on what he was doing anyhow.

He opened the compact back up and followed the streets from one to the other.  He turned the corner at an older building that needed a new paint job.  The red dot was around here somewhere...

Suddenly the dot disappeared.  Mayuri hit the side of the handheld device, but the dot didn't come back.  Of all times for something to fail on him!  Goddamn machine!

It was back...but it was now showing him that it was on a different side of town.  Mayuri frowned and began to double back.  He wandered through the alleys, past a few restaurants, and finally he had reached it again.

The dot disappeared as soon as he arrived.

"What on earth is wrong with this thing?"  Mayuri shook it.  He took off the back of the device and blew into it, but not a speck of dust was to be seen.

Then, a dot reappeared, this time in another place.  Then a second dot appeared.  A third.  A fourth.

"For heaven's sake..."  Mayuri grumbled at the malfunctioning device.

"Sayuri-chan?"

Mayuri jumped.  He looked over his shoulder.

"I thought you were still in the store!  What are you doing out here?"  It was Rangiku.  "I stepped out to call our friend Orihime-chan to see if she'd join us for dinner."

Mayuri paused.  The woman grabbed the compact from out of his hand and stared at it.

"Whoa, sorry!  I wanted to fix my hair, but that's not a mirror!"  She looked at him slyly.  "What exactly are you doing, sneaking off and not telling us where you were going?"

He was afraid this was going to happen.  Nothing seemed to go well these days, after all.  But, the best lies were those that still contained a kernel of truth.

"Actually, this is somewhat embarrassing," said Mayuri.  "I didn't ask to come with Nemu because of the shopping  trip."

"Go on."  She looked at him curiously.

"Lately I've been getting calls from a strange person on my new cell phone, and they've come from the real world."

Mayuri held out his phone.  Rangiku looked at it, eyes full of wonder.

"Wow, so that has a transdimensional communicator in it?  It's so small.  The one Hitsugaya-taichou usually uses is so big that he keeps it in his office.  You're so lucky to have access to the newest bits of Kurotsuchi-taichou's inventions."

"Yes.  I just wanted to track the person who's been calling me, so I looked for a reason to come to this world."

"Oh, that makes some sense."  She paused.  "You don't by any chance happen to like this person, do you?"

"Like them?"  Asked Mayuri.  What did this have to do with anything?

"Yeah, you know... _like_ them, like them."  She twirled a finger in her hair.  "You're going through all this trouble to meet them after only talking to them on the phone."

"No, I just think he's interesting to talk to."

"So yeah, you're _curious_ about him, aren't you.  And it is a _he_."  There was a twinkle in her eyes and a certain forcefulness behind her voice.

Mayuri had backed himself into a corner.  He didn't know Rangiku all that well, but he should have foreseen this path of conversation.  Fucking hell.  "That's not what I..."

Her face lit up.  "I'll go tell everyone.  We'll all help you find him.  This is so cute!"

"Excuse me?  Are you daft?"

"Don't be shy!  What if we can get you a date or something?  Wouldn't that be nice?  Oh, and then we can buy you an outfit for that, too, and..."

Mayuri's head was spinning.  This wasn't what he had in mind, but it couldn't be that bad, could it?  He was in a gigai and nobody except for Nemu knew who he really was.  He could go along with this charade, at least until the end of the night.

No, he couldn't.

Mayuri turned around and ran the other direction, dodging into a crowd.

"Sayuri-chan?"

He kept running, ducking into an alley.  He kept going and going until he couldn't hear the busy street anymore.  Panting, he stood next to an old, worn out fence.  He opened the compact once more to see what the machine was doing.  It still had multiple dots, but there was one close by.  He stood up straight and began to walk towards it.

The alley he now walked through backed up to an izakaya of sorts.  He could see the smoke from all of the patrons' cigarettes coming out of an open door.  People lounged about inside, drinking and smoking and eating.  He walked past the dumpster for its kitchen.

"Hey, nee-chan," a smarmy voice said.

Mayuri looked around.  A small group of men appeared, punks, all of them.

"Where you goin' nee-chan?"  One of them stepped in front of him.  He was big and brutish looking.  "We're just looking for a good time with a lovely lady."

He could smell the bottles of sake on the man's breath.  Ugh.

One of them reached out and touched his back.  Mayuri stepped away as quickly as possible.

"Yeah, look at her dressed like that.  She wants it too, otherwise she'd have stayed home."

Mayuri stared down at his chest.  He could see his limiter tattoo clearly, the black thistle of the 12th division, but this gigai was different.  It didn't just mask his reiatsu, it changed the frequencies of it so that his reiatsu looked like it belonged to another completely different person.  But still, the combination of phase shift and limitation put a great strain on his power.  Anyhow, he'd have to get out of the gigai to use any of it, and he didn't want his reiatsu to become unmasked accidentally...

Damn, he'd have to do this the hard way.  He faced the men, closing his hands into fists.  Mayuri was trained in hand-to-hand combat, hell anyone who went through the academy was, but he hated to use any of those skills.  Kidou had always been his ace in the hole, providing excellent support to his zanpakuto and any inventions he had.  But still, right now he had a much tinier, much more fragile body than he was used to commanding in a fight of any kind.

The men circled him like vultures and he braced himself for his next movement.

"Ah...didn't your mothers teach you how to treat a lady?"  A soothing voice came from behind Mayuri.  "You're not being very nice."

Mayuri looked over his shoulder and saw a tall silhouette.  There was a man who tapped a cane to his shoulder, wearing a green and white striped hat.  He gulped.  He knew exactly who this person was, and he had already successfully avoided him once today.  That was the one thing that generally kept Mayuri away from the human world in the first place...the fact that Urahara Kisuke lived in it.

"I can take care of them myself," said Mayuri through clenched teeth.

"Of course you can.  You look like one dangerous lady."  Urahara tipped his hat.  "But if I can solve this with diplomacy rather than with your fists, it'd be better for everyone, don't you think?"

"Hey, who do you think you are?"  Said one of the punks.

The other ones stood back.  "No, I know that guy," said another.  "I watched him take on six people and win once.  Remember when Hiroshi was put in the hospital a couple months ago?  That's him."

Mayuri watched as the recognition spread from one person to the next.  He still kept his fighting stance up.

"Yeah, the chick's not that hot anyway.  We can do better than that whore.  C'mon.  Let's go."

The men slunk back into the shadows and disappeared as quickly as they appeared.

Mayuri took a deep breath.  He could hear the signature geta clacking behind him against the concrete.  He sighed.  Urahara probably didn't know who he was.  For all he knew, Mayuri was simply a damsel in distress, and given Urahara's penchant for showy entrances, this was a typical introduction.

"Are you all right?"

Mayuri turned around.  He looked at Urahara's concerned face, and he felt like he was staring directly into the sun.  Rarely had he found himself so uncomfortable, but the world had slowed down to a crawl and he was moving through molasses.

"Yes, I'm fine.  I appreciate the fact that I didn't have to fight, but I certainly don't owe you anything," he snapped.

"Goodness, you are hard to please, but don't worry, I take nothing personally.  I merely saw you here as I was coming in to get a drink."

"I see."

Urahara squinted at him, walking around behind him.  "Do I know you from somewhere?"

Mayuri crossed his hands across his chest, obscuring his limiter tattoo.  It was obvious that Urahara didn't recognize him by reiatsu or looks, but he still didn't feel comfortable with the other scientist sniffing so closely around him, searching for yarns to pull at and something to unravel.

"I've never seen you before in my life," Mayuri huffed, lying through his teeth.

"You're quite the rare person," said Urahara.  "Would you mind stepping inside with me for a drink?  Just as a friend, nothing more."

"Why would I do that?"  Mayuri was tense

"Because I can tell that you're hiding the limiter tattoo on your chest, and there's something clearly very weird about your gigai."

Mayuri's eyes twitched and Urahara grinned.

"That, and you just look like you've got some stories to tell.  Come, I'm paying and it's only a few minutes of your time."

That was how Mayuri found himself being swept away into the izakaya, Urahara grasping his shoulder as he pulled him inside.


End file.
